Chuck Norris FOR EVER!
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Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris
In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly.including this one
Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.
All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Χμχμχμ... κάτι μου θυμίζει αυτό!
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
Ρε, χαλαρώστε λίγο!
If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.
Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.
Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.
The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.
Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.
When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
Chuck Norris' Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason.
Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.
Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.
They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.
Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
Chuck Norris once had sex with a cigarette machine in the Osaka airport.
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.
Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.
Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.
Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.
Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.
The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away
There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down
When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame
On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.
Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".
Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.
Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.
Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.
Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography....it was just a list of everyone he has killed.
Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.
Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down.
Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.
If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.
Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.
The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.
Chuck Norris wasn't born with feet, just boots.
Chuck Norris digs graves with a shoe horn.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
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